Why the blog?

Starting a blog has been in my to-do list since forever but I’ve been stonewalling myself because I was and I am extremely indecisive. Being ambivalent is my forte. I was uncertain because I know I cannot be persistent if I have to keep writing about one genre and that genre alone. It  kept me on the fence for a really long time. I spent many sleepless nights brainstorming, trying to come up with one topic that I could base my blog under, that I would love writing about and not get bored with it either. Turns out that’s not a possibility. This shouldn’t come off as a surprise as I have already led on the fact about my superlative indecisiveness.

There are things that I am really passionate about and things that I would love to write about but I realised that I need a constant change. I need variation. So after a lot of indecisive useless thinking, I decided to go with the flow and write about just anything. So ultimately, the one thing I’m proud of now is that I’ve come out of my ambiguous shell.

Keeping all this in mind, I named my blog ‘melange de tout’ which simply means  ‘a varied mixture of everything’ but everything sounds more sophisticated and sexy in French, doesn’t it?

So, I will post at regular intervals. Feel free to leave comments. This being the start of something new and productive, (Trust me, the two adjectives don’t meet each other too often in my life) I hope it leaves behind a delightful experience and a corking first attempt. Cheers!

by melangedetout

Mind to body, body to soul

Vast immaterial wilderness,

not so green; not so great;

Land characterised by boredom

and the sky by empty reality. 

Vastness lost all its worldly meaning,

bogged down to just be 

a futile filler for space;

Somber skies dawn

with deplorable desolation,

and meaningless memories pave way 

for dreadful despondence. 

In the midst of melancholy 

rests the restless soul;

Gazing into the abyss with masked fury,

Unsurmountable rage!

Derisively disguised with a faint smile;

The once joyful and jolly,

inherently happy and healthy-

Now sickened by the fickle mind;

Shrivelled into an embarrassed whisper;

Over everything mere and trivial 

channeled by the bigger demons.

Deftly prickling through the layers

inch by inch, breath by breath.

From mind to body, body to soul;

Until mind consumes soul. 

The soul now forever pines 

for anything beyond the fences of the mind;

For the mind is a cruel captor,

tainting purity with rage, regret and remorse;

Until the soul is stained with exhaustion.

And if the only way out 

is for the body to perish-

For the soul to feel 

a glimpse of the joy, the jolly, 

of the health and the happiness;

If the body has to perish

for the soul to live again,

I’ll gladly give it all up.

by melangedetout

Reaching out…

The glaring rainbow of colours
Smears over my body;
Squinting to its reflection, 
I lock vision –
With the cute little buttons for eyes;
Pillowy white and cotton-like softness,
Resting majestically,
Unapologetically smug,
Full of life and everything else 
I want from life.

It’s right here, 
Within my arm’s reach. 
Spewing in its own titillating splendour;
It’s almost like it knows 
The vibration of my yearning-
But chooses to stay cold,
To abandon me 
In the giant pit of loss;
But how can you feel loss 
When you have nothing to lose?

I’ve been alive to die for it- 
To get ahold of it;
And it’s right here, in all its majesty.
I can stretch my hand 
And have my fingertips 
Gently scrape against it,
Only to feel a million sparks 
Rush through my veins, 
And change me for the better. 
Imagine that’s all for just a scrape! 

My arms have been stretched out 
For years together now, 
Pining for a even a touch-
Maybe that will blossom the dead 
In the burials within my heart;
Or it will wake me up 
From this hazy passing of life. 

The more I pine for it,
The more I’m dragged away from it;
Head as light as ever, 
Body as dead as ever, 
Like light years flowing past me-
But there I am, 
Always with my hand out, 
The soft-eyed dove within my sight-
Never to touch it 
Never to feel love again.

by melangedetout

‘how do you feel?’

I rest my hand upon my arm
Torn layers of skin brush against my palm
I run my finger along each torn peel
And I remember I did this as a kid with glue
Only now, it’s bruised, bleeding and blue.

I get ahold of a layer
And I tear it apart with all my might
Channelling all sorrows,
All the buried sentiments
And the knots in my throat & stomach;
As I rip the skin off
My face red, nostrils flared
I squeal, shriek & scream
To the sight of blood
In dotted pattern,
Slowly but terrifyingly showing itself;
Sounds muted, Sight blurred;
the numbness grew.

It spread through all parts of my body
Some peel like a bandaid.
Some I struggle with and
Some I seek help for.
Three extra souls at my disposal
Holding a part of me from each side
We all rip it apart to our heart’s content.

Left bleeding, I felt it. Finally.
The silence, the nothing-ness.
The chaos in the calm, the absolute space.
Reborn to revitalise.
But what is that feeling?

You don’t get under my skin anymore
I’ve ripped it off of me; sweat and blood,
unwillingly, but in dire need and no second choice.
You don’t make me angry anymore.
Your tantrums don’t bother me.
Chaos doesn’t scare me.

Sometimes freeing
And sometimes imprisoning,
I’m just numb
And there’s more good to it than bad.

by melangedetout

Why are you here again?

I see you;
But why are you here?
My eyes are draught, no signs of a tear.
I thought I was over you
But I still have some of your flesh to sew.
Your vicious habits you called a blessing
Thrust a weight on my chest, still pressing.
Your sickening ego you glorify to lure
All things negative and impure,
Only to bury all in the sinister park
Because that’s the only way you’ll escape the dark.

I cut you in pieces & washed you away,
Along the river side on my way.
I saw all parts of your body float away from life;
The parts I cut with my own bleeding knife.
Each part tied tighter with a coarser rope
I found tied to my fan in a dream void of any hope.
I saw you drift away into the dark
But why are you here, who let you out of the park?

You’ve robbed me of everything!
Ever since you’ve been gone
I’ve hoped for a calmer dawn;
But I’ve only dreamt of thorns & blood
And I shut my eyes tight for I’m afraid it might flood.
I try to wake up before I drowned;
But I look behind and the ship has already downed;
What is left but a deafening sound
And a pile of bodies stacked onto a mound.

I want to fly free
But you might tie me up to a tree.
How do I get rid of you again?
I don’t have the strength to bargain.
I will plead to you instead to let me go
I’m almost sure you’re gonna say no.
I will learn to live with you now
With no light nor any love that you will allow.
It shouldn’t be that hard to do
It’s anyway not anything new!

by melangedetout

Snowballing into the dark

I open my eyes to cold darkness,
Wrapped and curled into
A tiny human ball, manipulated enough
To know not to move an inch away
Or risk breaking down to ashes,
Scattered over a dull lake;
No trace of having existed;
Might as well been dead all along.

I’m immobile but moving;
I’m taped shut but I’m rolling
Down a steep slope, snowballing into
The rumbles of the awes and the awful alike;
Into the vast vacuum of the unknown,
Blinded and betrayed.

I’ve built myself the snowball,
Snowflake by snowflake,
One for every tear drop
That never rolled down the cheek
And for each strained gulp of a wail;
I’ve forced myself to dwell in the dark
And through the gradual intertwining
Of time and trauma, now is a whole snowball
Tightly packed with the heavy flakes,
Slowly suffocating the heart to insanity.

It used to be inhumane
With no space to breathe; nor to not;
I did betray but I am also the betrayal-
Like I’ve abducted my soul
And thrust it into a torture chamber.
Now I’ve learned to punch holes
Through the ball, I can move a hand
Or a finger or a strand of hair;
But with effort of years and
A handful of good souls.

It’s not much though,
More often than not, I hit lows,
Tumble, trip and fall;
Yet a together woman for all.
I can see you but only parts
Of you through the holes
I’ve scraped through the years;
That’s how I’ve seen the world-
In parts and parcels,
Never a full picture, never fully content
For there’s always the shield-
The snowball that stands in the way.

Would I every be able
To break free?
Dust off each burdened flake
And watch them melt in content?
Will I ever experience you
Without the pillars of snow
Blocking the view?
Or should I just give in
To my fragmented vision of the world
And I can spend each passing minute
Struggling to break away
From the dudgeon of the snowball.

by melangedetout

Is there a way out?

I can’t bear this constant ache
Like a blade scratching through my bones
From skull to toes, squeaking incisions
Every single second of every single day
I want to cringe and wail and break down.
I used to be good at hiding
I used to break down within
But be unscathed outside;
What happened to me?
Now I want to stick a needle
and forget my pain,
Even if it’s for just seconds.

I’ve lost hope on people
There is no loophole in my brain
To let light in, it’s all wired shut;
You can’t find your way in
Nor can I find a way out
I’ve taped all windows with tears.
What was a green flourishing meadow
Is now a wrecked dungeon, with no room
To breathe and warning:
Trying to get in would be suicide!

I want out but I don’t trust anyone
To lure me out, so I rely on myself
And all things unnatural because
nothing felt nice naturally;
I rolled into the dark, damaged my insides
And whatever showed outside, a failure;
I locked myself up inside the dungeon
With no ventilation so I slowly suffocate
But I don’t die, not yet, I suffer
And briefly not and it’s a vicious cycle.

I put myself in a ragged bag
And threw myself into the river
But it’s not all on me; I tried.
I tried to find a smudge of light
I tried, I begged but all in vain.
I couldn’t go after the light anymore
Or after anyone; I didn’t want to suffocate you
With my pain and lack of breath,
I shun myself and I stay in my dungeon
Where I can take control of my pain
Not in your world, where I just
Have to “get over it.”

by melangedetout

Here but not here

It feels like life has paused
It’s just me for myself now
Things are moving around me
As eccentrically as it always did
Without any effort or effect, blank and boring
They move faster than they used to
Only around me, not for me or within
I’m stuck immobile
Inside a tiny steel bubble
It shuns me away from life
From feeling any ounce of emotion
From living, life and all things lively
And it robs me of my sight
To see the good or the bad.

Now I’m not here or there
I’m nowhere I want to be
What do I want though
I feel a hollow longing
But what’s my heart pining for
Is it beyond my reach or is it
Right under my nose
Should I say a secret spell
To get out of this torturous
Black hole, where I can’t emote
Can’t feel a thing or two
There’s nothing else to do
I’m just here, surrounded by dark
Blackness, I can feel waves of
Life pass by me, I’m laughing
In some and crying in others
I’m surprised, disgusted and calm
I act, react to all kinds of trouble
But it’s all outside the bubble
Inside, I’m mute and numb
To everything and all
So desperate to feel something
Anything at all, but days just pass by
And I have nothing to live for inside.

by melangedetout

An ode to a best friend

I rummage through the words in my brain
To find the one that could solidify our bond
I learnt every language;
Read every word ever written,
Every effort in vain, I couldn’t begin to express
The kindness in our companionship
The comfort beyond measure
The ease in opening my heart up to you
A higher level of astrological connection
Beyond our control and whimsical fantasies
Between your mind and mine
Because no way this is all just
A coincidence, for we are like
Two frames of the same glasses
We see the world through the same lens
Things are never even a little tense
We might see the greys of the world
A little differently
But we are all the colours
In this world, we are what makes nature
As what we share is just as natural
Nothing forced, nothing constrictive
It flows like a giant waterfall
Falling into a big warm hug.

I love the fact that we feed each other
Feed off of each other’s love for each other
Our stomachs say enough at the same time
Our taste buds have been buds
in their past life;
Our likes and dislikes so alike
I love how I can spend two weeks
At yours and still feel like it wasn’t
Enough; every time my stomach
Ties up in knots the minute you
Leave from mine, I realise
The depth of love intertwined in our hearts
Because there’s no other way we get along
This well, no ifs or buts,
Always high and happy with what we are
And whatever we have.

We have grown together
Grown up together
We have fought, we have struggled
We went through hell together
But look at us now,
We are the same person with two
Different hearts and thoughts
It’s like God accidentally dropped the same
Glitter in two different pots,
Perhaps a very intentional move
For it was all destined;
Because there is no way this
Is all just a coincidence
That’s an understatement of our bond.

I hold so much love for you, so much
Adoration and respect,
You’re stupid sometimes
Most times, not for lack of saying it
To your face, but the best part:
I have no shred of doubt
About our future together
Just as happy, exciting and lazy
Just as much of best friends
As we are right now, if not better.

by melangedetout

I met my demons

Lights dimmed down just enough
To see faces but not enough
To see through the minds
A grand chandelier upside down
Carpets laid down, neat and ironed
Made sure there are no stains
No blood, no sweat
No ounce of character or personality
To pour into the shiny red carpet
Blue thorns for sky, why blue
Gloom embosses from within the clouds
Raining sorrow and regret.

Faces never meet each other
Yet they are all made up
So clean and plain and bland
No dirt to pick, no depth to anything
Decked in all my favourite clothes
Only smiles, so inviting and consoling
I thought, I want to go give or get
A big hug from each one of them
But I’m oblivious to
What’s ringing in my ears
Should I pause and listen
Or should I be stupider
Than usual; I don’t listen
I never listen, if only.

I go for a hug, expecting some warmth
To spread over the coldness
And stiffness of my tissues
And muscles; I hug expecting.
It grows tighter, fills my heart
With content I presumed
And tighter, but it is not
comfortable anymore
I’m suffocating, I beg for
A way out, it tightens a little
Bit more, every time I yelp
I feel my insides crushing
My organs rotting before
They tear each other apart
Prolonged pain, it was never content.

My heart exploited
And my mind in pieces
Desperately trying to figure out
What cues did I miss
They all smiled at me
Or did they; was it a trap
It’s always a trap,
I’m now a piece of paper
You threw in the trash
In my head, I’m mud and sand
Saddest part being
Despite knowing my inner demons
their manipulative smiles & demeaning
Energy recorded in my brain
I would always go for a hug
Maybe I just need it that bad
I’m okay with the repercussions
Even if it’s slowly suffocating to death.

by melangedetout